What would be more American than outsourcing Congress?


I have just learned that, starting in 2022, one of our new congressmen will be Johan ‘Sonny’ Knudsen of Upernavik, Greenland.

Freshman Congressman Knudsen represents a revolutionary step our country is taking toward a prudent fiscal policy, and I think this effort deserves our full support.

America, as we all know, is the home of “hyper-aggressive capitalism”. We’re a “bottom line” kind of country, whose giant corporations outsource everything possible to save money.

Well, if private enterprise can save millions of dollars having telephones answered, software written and automobiles and computers built overseas, why can’t we taxpayers save money by outsourcing, too? 

Hiring Sonny Knudsen is a great start: he has signed a two-year contract for $32,500 a year.

Our current congressman is paid $174,000 a year, plus another $250,000 for office expenses, $850,000 or so for staff, and unlimited free postage – so outsourcing this one congressional seat will save American taxpayers well over $1.2 million every year!

And since Sonny will be an independent contractor, we don’t have to pay his medical insurance or any retirement benefits. (Of course, we are responsible for his Zoom service – and for two flights each year back to the U.S., economy class, for mandatory face-to-face ‘Town Hall’ meetings with his constituents.)

By the way, Sonny’s extended family in Upernavik has promised to pitch in and help answer the phones, write mail, etc. After all, it takes a village to raise a member of Congress.

It will also be much harder to corrupt our new, outsourced congressman. I suspect that very few Washington lobbyists will actually make the exhausting trip to visit Upernavik, up near the Arctic Circle, to ‘press the flesh’ and lobby in person.

What’s more, Sonny will be able to spend all his time legislating, which is what we pay him to do. He will not have to be on the phone five or six hours a day to raise millions of dollars for his re-election campaign, as most of our lawmakers are now forced to do.

When his term is up, the government will simply issue a RFOMOC – a Request For Outsourced Member of Congress – to all interested candidates. Their campaign expenses will be limited to mailing a simple form with their credentials to a nonpartisan congressional search committee.

As for our newly-unemployed domestic politicians, perhaps they can be retrained for some other line of work.

Every administration since World War II has proposed new plans for job training, especially when millions of American jobs are sent overseas. Perhaps this time, when Congress is faced with its own unemployment, one of these plans will actually be funded.

We can only dream.

A resident of Sarasota, Pete Tannen is an award-winning humor writer, newspaper columnist and TV show writer. He is also a renowned “Senior Influencer.”

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