Famous Philosophers Side Hustles | The New Yorker

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Descartes

Moonlight as a magician for children’s birthday parties. The main act is the evocation of metaphysical illusions that parents have described as “overwhelming” and “inappropriate for my five-year-old”.

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Sells custom wine bottles through his online Etsy shop, DeKanters. The price for items is “Pay what you think is fair”. It was very unprofitable.

Nietzsche

Non-certified personal fitness trainer for people who want to get a body strong enough to meet the restrictive norms of civilization. The hourly rate is discounted for anxious teenage boys who are “going through a phase”.

Thoreau

Airbnbs has its “off-grid” Airstream in Joshua Tree. Amenities include WiFi, underfloor heating, a Nespresso machine, Nintendo Switch, and a wooden Amazon Alexa that doesn’t work. Five minutes from downtown. Off-site laundry service offered by a Cynthia Dunbar Thoreau.

Marx

Unites the working class by asking his artist friends to donate to his Patreon for his podcast on white-collar crime. His friends borrow money from their parents.

Heidegger

Has a lot of background noises, but nobody understands them.

Socrates

Performs a small tutoring operation. Likes to think that his students are teaching him. His host of negative Yelp reviews would agree.

Machiavelli

Runs a boutique life coaching agency teaching C-suite executives on manipulation, corporate backstabbing, and correct pronunciation of “Machiavelli”. The highest paid clients include the Medici family and Harvard MBAs

Camus

A highly rated Tasker at TaskRabbit, he waits in queues for hours to reach the front, is relieved of his post, and sent to the back of a new line to wait again. Grins like a madman as he surpasses TaskRabbit’s former TaskRabbiter No. 1, Cynthia Dunbar Thoreau.

plato

Live streams themselves read excerpts from “The Republic” on Twitch. Nobody steps in but his student Aristotle and an unpaid intern named Stavros, who is just watching to earn seminar credits at Wesleyan.

Confucius

Has a popular Instagram account with more than seven hundred thousand followers, which is aimed at people who are interested in soul-filling maxims of motivation. Reposts frequently by Rachael Ray. Started a Twitter feud with Nietzsche for attention and the coveted blue tick.

Sartre

No secondary employment necessary. Happy with just being there.

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